Running, Perfectionism and Depression

This is going to be one of those articles that you may not related to, sometimes my life experiences of growing up running and playing Basketball at a somewhat high level give me a unique view into a situation.

Let me preface this article by saying I love running, I love everything running has given me and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. However, sometimes the weight of competition and the want to race perfectly — even if only to justify the time you spend in training — can affect how you feel on a daily basis.

Sometimes when I’m doing research for a Podcast episode (Shameless plug for Running Through It where you can find virtually anywhere)I relate it through my lens… I grew up in the Track & Field world and have let the weight of competition affect my running.

So when I announced last week that I was covering Jack Ross’s article about his son; I really started diving into it, tying into past stories I’ve covered and especially relating it to Kate Fagan’s work ‘What Made Maddy Run’

Hale and Maddy’s stories hit extremely close to home, the pressure of perfectionism that young athletes are exposed to (especially if they plan on pursuing the sport at the next level) is a HUGE stress to teenagers that already have enough stressors in their environment

There have been many times in my life where things look great on the outside but inside I was suffering… that classic facade we put up to appear to be “O.K.”… it’s something I’ve been through and too many runners I know have been through.

I could have easily been lumped in with Hale’s and Maddy’s stories in an alternate timeline. Only if I wouldn’t have been on such a small team… at such a small school… with counseling resources readily available to me and my team. I often fall into the trap of thinking,

“What if I finished enrolling at Mizzou?”

“What if I didn’t choose to stay home?”

When reading Maddy’s story and Hale’s story I can relate on a very personal level. I have suffered long bouts of depression, I hid that depression from my parents, I fantasized every day about just letting my car drift into oncoming traffic and not having to face my life anymore.

So in reading Jack Ross’s personal essay last week… honestly it broke my heart and I fell into a bit of a funk. I didn’t record a podcast last week because I didn’t know what to say and I really didn’t know if you would want to hear me say it.

Maybe that antidote doesn’t add much to the conversation but the bottom line is we as coaches, as officials, as parents need to be better at understanding. Teenage athletes go through a lot of undue stress, but it is easier to get trapped in thinking, “what do they have to be stressed about?”

And sure; some will say high school/college athletes aren’t in the real world but in their shoes — it can feel like your future depends on every move you make. It can feel like every A or B or, God Forbid, C you get on a test will be meticulously looked over and judged. It can feel like colleges are looking over every practice and every race determining whether to give you a scholarship or to offer you admission. It can feel like having one bad race can result in having your scholarship pulled or having to fend for yourself. One bad race can make you question whether all of this time and effort and sacrifice is worth it.

Looking back on my life, I do not regret running in college but the NCAA has a major problem on it’s hands with the decrease in funding to many schools and the competition for scholarships becoming greater every year. In fact the NCAA realizes it has a problem on its hands — this article was published in 2014 stating, “athletic departments have seen a rise in the number and severity of individuals with mental health concerns. One of the more common mental health concerns is depression.”

It’s a heavy subject to tackle but the more we are aware of athletes that struggle with mental health, the easier it will be for outsiders/parents/administrators to understand.

If you have a story to share, go ahead and share it… you are not alone and I promise you that it help someone out there.

-Justin